Relentlessly, I try to achieve more than ever. Incredulously, I look at myself wondering whether this endevour is ever going to reach a demise. Undoubtedly, it is little likelihood that my waning interest in discovering myself is a harbinger of success for the foreseeable future.

Nevertheless, I struggle incessantly with my self-complacency. I do not struggle anymore to repudiate my angst. I accepted it as it had been there forever. It is a hole in my soul, be this an appropriate name for it, which will follow me wherever I go.  Albeit I will become what I decide to become, nothing is ever going to bring my salvation.

I am not reclusive – I seek solitude only when I am sick of others. I confess that the lack of company would drive me insane. Alone with my thoughts, conscious of the detrimental effects of my own actions, I would be tremendously haunted by my awareness. In such moments, I wish I had not been aware of myself, I wish I had been less human – the irony is that I refute my own condition as a human being, whilst my awareness proves the contrary.

Wisdom, where are you when I need you most?

“From heaven or the abyss? Let questioning be,
O artlesss monster wreaking endless pain,
So that your smile and glance throw wide to me
An infinite that I have loved in vain. ”  – Charels Baudelaire, “Hymn to Beauty”


3 thoughts on “Awareness

  1. Wow…. that was…miscellaneous =)))) *bows before you with reverence* It was just so philosophical i actually had to blink at the screen for several seconds because my brain started giving the “Error” sign. Well, the point here was to tell you good luck for tomorror. USA right? Couldn’t figure out why you took the CAE exam if you needed TOEFL. Laughed my ass off at this one. Break a leg!

    • adelind says:

      :)) Mersi mersi
      Pai am dat cambridge-ul pentru ca nu eram sigur daca dau in America, asa ca vroiam sa fiu pregatit pentru orice eventualitate. oricum, nu strica sa fie acolo

  2. P.S. My keyboard is a jealous bitch who makes my life a living hell. Above was “tomorrow”, not “tomorror” =))) damn technology

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