Reluctance


We are being taken ineluctably to the demise of the autumn. It is fascinating how I commenced writing in the midst of this season and now I feel that an eternity has passed. What is peculiar is that I feel usually that the time passes quickly when I am subject to a lot of stress and work. However, I have been feeling recently that a prolonged tardiness characterises the course of events. Perhaps it is a consequence of the fact that I pertain little to the actual passing of time or maybe it is a result of my desire to leave this country. A while ago this was related to the frustration of being unheralded, but now I can assert surely that it is much more than this. To go to where I belong, that’s the desire that keeps me endeavoring. I have never felt that I belong somewhere, I have dealt with a hole in me which did not let me progress tremendously nor did it ever disappear. But now it is a different situation and I have no regard to maintaining my anguish anymore. Forget what I stated formerly, I will not yield to the angst’ power, I will not be superseded by something which is nourished by my existence. Instead, I will be auspicious, yes, I will prevail in any onerous task that i have to encounter. It is presumably my last winter in Romania, though this cannot account for my recent feelings of poignancy. It is high time I let everything behind me, for nothing can ever preclude me from achieving my goals. I am not going to waver between staying or leaving, should I be provided with the opportunity. Regardless of these aspects, I am reluctant to take up again my tiresome, tedious assignments. Unfortunately, they represent a sine qua non condition of my departure. So, good bye for now, I shall commence to study once again.

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